So Many Tears!

Here I AmI have never been much of a cry-er. To me tears were a waste of time and showed how weak you are, unless you were using them to get what you want.

One of my first memories of really being broken hearted for something bigger than myself, I was vacuuming with I was around 10yrs old and singing the song “Here I Am Lord”. I was singing it with all my heart to God. It goes like this….

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have born my peoples pain.
I have wept for love of them, They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak My word to them,
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I told God, I would love to help His people. I wanted to help people feel as deeply as I felt for Him, even though I thought it was weird because it didn’t seem like anyone I knew really knew and loved Him like I did.

Fast forward… a lot of dysfunction, years of hitting just about every sin I could manage, and here I am, again. Calling out to Him for me to be allowed to help His people in any way I can.

After years and years of shutting off my feelings, and see any sign of uncontrolled emotion as weak, it is such an abnormal feeling to feel absolutely, completely, heartbroken when I think of God’s people. Yes, that includes EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, I believe He created you. It breaks my heart that you can’t feel His love and see Him work in your life. All you have to do is reach out to Him and He is waiting.

It breaks my heart when His family of believers is taken for granted, abused, forgotten, mistreated, not led well…

It breaks my heart to see someone working or serving in a way they just aren’t built for. Holding on to a relationship, position, ministry, that they are not built for. Watching it rob them of the blessing God can pour out, when they listen to Him and use the talents and abilities God gave them. Or take His call for them to stay or leave a situation, based on HIS direction.

What do I do about it? Pray and pray some more. Allow myself to feel brokenhearted and let my emotions show.

I need to remember it’s unhealthy to keep emotions bottled inside. My pastor talked all about it at our leadership training tonight.

I’ll be writing more about it over time. I’m still processing through a lot.

What I learned today…Even though I can’t stand sharing emotions, God has blessed me with an opportunity to do just that in the positions he keeps putting me in to. I need to keep leaning on Him and trusting Him to take care of me as I share my emotions…even though it is still uncomfortable for me.

I sing once again –

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

 

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