So I know I have been fairly open and authentic with you. At times, I have gone a bit silent as there are points in our lives that need to be lived before shared, and I am in the middle of one of those.
Today I want to share about strategy. Intend AND unintended. This will upset both feminists and whatever the opposite to feminists are.
I am okay with that, in honor of just being honest and truthful in my own brokenness.
As a leader in business I never had to worry about offending a man. I consistently led in the way I was built to lead. Strong, fast and hard. Someone’s sex or age didn’t bother me as I didn’t worry about emotions or feelings or caring about others. I worried about more money and more power not caring on who I had to step on.
After giving my life to Christ, I have shared about how I thought the traditional Christian women was to be seen not heard. Pushing past that as I grew in my own walk with Jesus, it still has not been a completely overcome issue it is a journey as I find my place in His church.
As a passionate person, I tend to build and blow. I’m not much at keeping things in, but have learned, over time and a LOT of prayer to only “blow” when God says, “Go for it, sweetie!”. In a male-led church I haven’t felt comfortable in truly letting my anger and frustration show. Please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and church, but in LIFE we don’t agree with everything that happens. It happens in the church as well.
When I have gotten upset, I have used the word tantrum. I would say I am throwing a tantrum as it is a word that men would associate with an angry woman. (I know that some of you will not continue reading out of shear anger at reading that. That is fine.) While being upset, I tears would be shed. OH NO, you think. NOT TEARS!!!! That shows weakness!!! They won’t take you seriously!!!
I hear you. HOWEVER, my heart IS hurt when God’s people are hurting. My heart IS hurt when their is injustice. The tears I shed weren’t to be humiliating, but a release of pent up emotion. I would share that I needed to throw a tantrum AND cry. I know… you might feel that has set us back, but it hasn’t. It is what God had me do, until the culture was strong enough for me to change.
And it has.
With time and being tested, both by God and His church, I felt a shift. I felt the shift yesterday in a discussion with one of the pastors. I was fed up, hurt, frustrated and teary. He let me “throw a tantrum”, paused and then told me to, “Grow up”.
He has no idea that in that moment their was a shift. Without even knowing it, he was the catalyst that had the Holy Spirit put a hand on me and say, You got this.
I now hear God whispering, that I can be who He made me to be. I don’t need to “throw tantrums” anymore. I can stand firm knowing that I love Jesus and I love my church…but I will get mad at times. I will get frustrated and need to share my frustration and anger…and the people over me are strong enough to take it, hear it and not hold it against me, but help me walk through it with change or understanding.
We all have moments like this. Where God has us walking in one direction because He needs us to be obedient for either our benefit or for the benefit of others around us. They aren’t always easy times, but God will change the direction. It won’t always be hard. You won’t always have to fight to be heard. Lead with your actions, the ability to share the words will come.
As long as you are doing it all for Jesus, allow yourself to be humbled to the point of being difficult to handle, and then watch the growth that can happen when you are low enough to see that He is in everything. He is in all directions, you just have to see Him and follow His lead.
What I learned today…We have to trust the people around us to be strong enough to feel our anger over situations, but not hold it against us. We also have to have a solution to every problem or injustice we see, we can’t just get angry and not give direction. That is whining.